In A Cocoon’s Embrace

life transforms

“Strong people are made by the storms they walk through” Unknown

Following the trauma that caused my life to suddenly wholly change, I subconsciously isolated myself. It was a coping mechanism that eventually gave me back my sense of balance and control amid the chaos in my mind caused by those events. Like a clock stopping, it felt as if my mind were stuck in timeless, haunting memories, and it grabbed my attention throughout the days. I obsessively talked about the event ad nauseam to Randy and anyone willing to listen. Bless Randy’s heart; he heard with love, compassion, and empathy as I recreated the scene over and over to him, wanting and waiting for some answers to take away the grief and pain I felt.

The event I’m talking about wasn’t just an event. It was an occurrence that exploded into what seemed like a thousand separate pieces of circumstances which challenged my coping skills. It was as if an 8.0 earthquake erupted, and I was at the nexus, the very heart of its trembling. In the epicenter's grip, I danced a taxing dance to a destruction concert as I watched my entire life crumble. In its grasp, my dreams and hopes expired. At the time, I was reminded of a vision I had seven years earlier in May of 2001 when, at night, laying in bed looking through the skylight in the ceiling of my bedroom in Arroyo Grande, California, I heard. I felt a message tell me I would lose everything. The story of Job came to my mind, and I knew the spiritual transmission was a warning of danger ahead in my future.

When I say I felt it, I mean the message permeated my being. It was a feeling with a voice. I knew it came from a divine source because I also felt oddly comfortable, even though it brought the rumble of truth as it quaked my soul's essence. A week later, I was touring Canada in the northern British Colombia village of Prince George and enjoying a beautiful fall walk in the cool, crisp fall breeze when God blew some extra wind my way. My premonition flooded my mind, reinforcing my original vision. The sensation I felt was to prepare for the quake ahead. I didn't know what would happen; I just knew there was a storm ahead where I would lose everything except my faith in God and the promise of hope and calm following the storm. I knew I’d have to pick up the pieces of my life when it was over. What I didn’t realize then, but over two decades later, I would pick up only the pieces that mattered and needed nurturing, leaving the rest to blow away in the wind.

Four months later, September 11 happened, and every living being’s life dramatically changed. It was a stressful time in history, and I couldn’t help but wonder if this wasn’t part of my suspicion. (It turned out to be part of it but the big earthquake came later ) We all have our 911 stories and our own lockdown stories. These worldwide life-changing events were like bombs going off in everyone’s life. Each of us experienced our explosions. Some encounter more stress and hardship than others. Our business lost at least a half million dollars worth of work in my life. The future was unsure for everyone. One silver lining is it allowed us to be home. My ex-husband could focus on his love for close-up magic, perfecting his skills. We generally had more time to expand our creative thinking, which is difficult when you live out of a suitcase on a bus or car. That's why Brian Wilson stayed home when The Beach Boys toured. He spent his days in his studio writing music. Likewise, we updated ourselves and created a new show called Ghosts of Broadway—a magic show inspired by Broadway Shows bringing ghosts of entertainers back to life through our interpretation and performance. I’ve never been a big fan of theme shows because they usually limit your creative movement, but this one had many creative possibilities, and we went with it. Our composition included scenes from Jekyll and Hyde, Gypsy Rose Lee, Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream, Chicago, and The Houdinis.

Ghost of Broadway poster created by Joel Payne

The show was well-received and successful, and we toured it for several years. Jonathan had always wanted to sing and found an exceptional voice coach who, after a few tutorials, could sing professionally in our show. After years of not dancing, I wore a pair of pointe shoes and danced ballet in one of the scenes. Time was our silver lining during 9/11, and it helped get us through the aftershocks of 9/11. But it also took its emotional and spiritual toll, as fear is our worst enemy. Like a mystical mist pouring in, anxiety threatened our peace and harmony. We had a war ahead. My hunch hadn't even begun.

Advertising Graphics for Ghosts of Broadway show

As a child, Jonathan had suffered from OCD, and from my perspective, the results of 911, and especially the news and talking head shows that featured war stories and news day and night for months and years, possibly activated OCD-like symptoms. At about the same time, he developed relentless tinnitus, which caused more new health issues. The consequences were dire, and after visiting many health professionals, including some of the top in the nation, he ended up in the care of a psychiatrist who treated and monitored him for depression, lack of sleep, tinnitus, and anxiety issues. At that time, I found through my experience many people who suffer from tinnitus became suicidal. I believe Jonathan fought suicidal tendencies during that period because he talked about those thoughts to me. I saw him as someone fragile and in need of care and support. So I wouldn't trigger more of Jonathan’s fears; I withheld discussing my fears and anxieties about our destiny and future with him. I was terrified he might take his life. I always tried to give Jonathan a positive slant on our career and personal life. I would eliminate negative, impactful information, hoping to stabilize him. I had taken on the role of a caretaker and broke the first rule — that's to prioritize self-care to assist those in need. Subconsciously, I dismissed most of my requirements to satisfy Jonathan. And in doing so, I focused on getting him well so he could be happy again. Jonathan worked hard to overcome his disability by focusing on our new show and his close-up magic. These activities added distraction from his constant tinnitus, which often sounded like a freight train running in his head. Like my brother, who had been prescribed psychotropic medications, which caused him to take his life (just read the inserts to these pharmaceuticals), Jonathan was also given similar drugs, which caused scary severe side effects. My observation of Jonathan was his true personality seemed to be covered by a veil caused by the use of these medications, which were aids to help him, not hurt him. I saw a man who was a shadow of himself. It was like he was isolated somewhere inside his body. I felt sad for him and scared. I certainly didn't want to lose him the same way as I lost my brother.

The meds also seemingly caused hallucinations and paranoia, and eventually, he hated one of his medications and stopped taking it. Years of this, caused our relationship and career to suffer as dates weren't as plentiful and for health reasons we didn’t book shows. We turned down a few opportunities, like traveling to London for an important performance. My pattern was to keep harmony and peace to continue with stability. As I mentioned, I did this by presenting the image of happiness and wellness to Jonathan, so I withheld crucial information so as not to upset him. We were already arguing and battling, and what I saw as instability and personality fluctuation in Jonathan frightened me. During his worst, and after taking his meds, his paranoia was so great he accused me of making plans to kill him. My facade of presenting content and a happy world to him also fell apart when he learned our economics weren't as healthy as before 911. So one day, it finally happened; the earthquake rumbled on July 8, 2009. Jonathan called me downstairs into his room, sealed the door, and all hell broke loose as he threatened me and then shot off his gun towards my feet, which he said he'd shoot first. He was in a state of shock and froze, looking around the dark room. I'm looking at the only exit route through the door. Unbelievably, the heavy bar he'd secured it with had miraculously fallen away, so all I had to do was make a run for it, get outside, and hide in the woods surrounding our house or make it to our neighbors, which wasn't easy because we all lived on little 5 to 10-acre ranchettes, so I couldn't just run across the street. As I grabbed the doorknob, I looked down, and low and behold, my phone, which was tossed across the room, was there. Miracle two. I picked it up and ran for my life. Hiding in the bushes between our home and our neighbors, I watched the house as I dialed 911. Within minutes, about 20 sheriffs plus a reporter from TMZ flew up the hill to our home. The last thing Jonathan said to me before getting in the sheriff's cab was, “You just ruined my life.”

Man In Chaos

I sat down with one of the officers in our dining room as the sheriff confiscated all of the guns and knives that Jonathan regularly collected. The officer explained the real danger I'd been in and encouraged me to request a rarely-given immediate restraining order, which the judge turned into a 5-year restraining order. Those are only given in extreme cases. The severity of my situation was further expressed to me by the DA’s office, who told me most crises like the one I'd encountered ended up in homicide accompanied with suicide. A double whammy. So perhaps without the miracles that day, our emergency would have ended with our two lives terminated.

I could dedicate an entire Substack to what happened next. But you guessed it, I lost everything I had. My premonition from seven years earlier came true. What’s fascinating is that just weeks before our greatly humbling experience, I had been sitting in my car in front of our house, praying for both of us and asking God to intercept and send us help. When I ran from that roomthat day, I felt like I'd been whisked up by a spaceship from my life and placed in a new one. Angels were watching me during the aftermath. My sister-in-law Michelle Brown offered me a place in her home, where I hid. After Jonathan’s release from jail in three days — he followed me to a show I performed at the Chumash Casino in Santa Ynez. I wasn’t there at the time, but employees reported him. He then came to our house and tried to take his life by consuming drugs and alcohol. God‘s answer to that one was to send a neighbor who lived downhill from us to our house when one of our sprinklers broke, and water was flooding her yard. This lady was never at her house. She inherited it from her late parents. So, it was unusual she was in town. When she arrived at our door, she noticed a window open and peered inside because no one had answered the doorbell. She saw Jonathan lying on the floor and immediately dialed 911. The sheriff's office called me as I was on my way to Paso Robles to spend the night in a hotel on the advice of my friend Michael Vendrell , who, as a one-time bodyguard years earlier, gave me strategic advice during this period. He feared Jonathan might find me at Michelle’s.

I never made it to Paso Robles because the sheriff wanted me to open the door to our house. I drove over and allowed the medical team and sheriff to enter, and the next thing you know, they were carrying an unconscious Jonathan out on a gurney. He was taken to a Santa Maria hospital and then transferred to a mental hospital. Because of HIPAA laws, it was difficult for me to trace him. Through a little sleuthing and guesswork I found him in Ventura. This was important because I needed to know when he was released in the event he returned. Eventually, I ditched everything and, taking the DA’s advice, moved to Las Vegas, where I have close friends (which didn't last too long because of a drive-by shooting— that’s another story).

During that first week when Jonathan was in jail, I found an attorney to represent him through my sister-in-law. When Michelle and I met him, he told us Jonathan was looking at least 20 years old and that I couldn't drop charges for a gun crime in California. I expressed my interest in having Jonathan enroll in a rehabilitation hospital instead of jail, wishing he could get well instead of going to jail. I was hoping this was an option, but at the time, most people thought I was crazy and advised me to stop thinking about him. It wasn’t easy at the time, but Michael gave me the strength and encouragement to move forward on my own. Eventually, it worked out because of California’s overcrowded prison system, and the governor encouraged the DA offices not to prosecute some of these cases. I immediately pleaded with the DA's office to allow Jonathan’s release based on this new program. They agreed that Jonathan spent only one year in jail due to my compassion. I did not follow or monitor his situation after his release but instead used the time to rebuild and repair my life. I know this, though: We are both alive.

Randy and I found ourselves isolated when we moved back to our hometown after reuniting from a chance meeting on the internet. We came here mainly because my older mentally disabled brother was living here without relatives to advocate on his behalf, and Randy’s parents were well in their 80s, and we wanted to spend time with them. We found a ranch here, and so it was convenient for me to turn to isolation as a way of coping with the overwhelming trauma. So, I wrapped myself up in a safe, warm, happy cocoon and began my 10-year-plus-long recovery journey. That’s not something I planned. It just happened. I remember times when I'd be so unhappy and bitter on top of the anger and guilt. I stayed away from friends while I healed because I didn’t want to impact them through the grief and anger I felt in any way, which I know would have stressed out their lives. Unfortunately for Randy, he had to experience some of my serious side effects, but his empathy, love, and compassion prevailed, and he played an integral part in my healing process. A true angel.

Through my trauma, I learned overly concentrating on the past steals your peace, and you can't change it. It robs you of your life and the lives of those close to you. The safety of my cocoon gave me a home to repair my body, mind, and soul nutritionally. There, I was nurtured to transform into a new life. First, I peeked out as a swaddled baby, and then I grew and grew until I metamorphosized into the butterfly I wanted to be. As I continue to grow and flourish I was reminded of this when I read Demi Pietchell’s post last week which helped inspire me to write this piece: Anywhere. Somewhere. Far Away.

You cannot change the past, so hyperfixating on this energy will only serve to rob you of your peace. You are hoping to have success in love with someone your heart has up on a pedestal.

You are working hard to overcome a perceived failure so that you can believe you have a chance to rectify this, but you are being encouraged to reframe this energy and, instead, look at mistakes as opportunities through which to learn.

Did you know butterflies rest when it rains because it damages their wings? It’s okay to rest during the storms of life. You’ll always fly again once it’s over. Have a beautiful day!

Thank you Jacqueline Rendell and Demi Pietchell

🦋